Status Update

so you know those characters in movies who sacrifice themselves to save the others and seem like they have had experiences in their lives that allow them to be more at peace with dying than the others... but you are never clued in as to why?  Well I think I get it now... once you have lost the love of your life or someone intimately woven into your heart and core, you're never quite the same, you're  never the same person and death welcomes those people back into your world.  I lost that person 3 times in the past 2 years. The impact these past 2 years have made losing so many loved ones from my life has left me crippled and broken.  To answer your questions... I am not okay, although I try to act as if I am. I don't know if I ever can be.   Ron, my grandmother, trevor... I will never see again.  david will never speak to me again and matt moved across the country. seriously, wtf just happened?  where did these past 2 years come from?  Who did i piss off to give me this as my path through life?  This is just a ridiculously awful hand I have been given to play and I can't fold and be dealt a new hand... somehow I have to bluff my way through with a shitty hand in order to win the pot.  The odds are stacked against me and not sure how to play my hand. Therapists would say I should be fulfilled internally and others should just add to your life... but that is bullsh**. we all seek out5 that special someone to share our lives with.  I have been burned 3 times... partially my own doing and partially out of my control... but ultimately my time was cut short with each person and I have been left to amputate those lifelines to stop the bleeding but now I feel all lifelines severed and no more life running back into me. Anyway, i am good.  how are you doing?

Milwaukee RULES!!

Milwaukee RULES!!

I have made a new cast of friends out in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  First off, the accents are real!  It is so cute listening to these hot midwestern guys talk with an accent that softens any rough exterior they might be sporting.  Second, everyone was so nice and fun and welcoming and casual... no attitude or social ladder pre-established that must be climbed in order to be welcomed.  Granted, I am an outsider there for one night so the politics may have escaped me but from the disastrous past few months compared to the event at BOOM last night, it was a welcomed change and escape from a challenging daily existence back home in SF.

David, the owner and sexy fucker who tended to my every need... well, except for one, was a total sweetheart, put me up at The Hilton hotel even though I was in town until 8am, drove me to and from the airport and really put me at ease from beginning to end.  Likewise, the crowd and the staff at BOOM were so friendly and welcoming and funny... I actually enjoyed myself and didn't go anxiety-cazy and run away crying!  I couldn't believe it!  It has been a while since I travelled anywhere solo and even longer since I didn't have some sort of mini-anxiety-related-crisis!  Though I have to return home to a bag full of problems, this one night in Milwaukee helped refuel my depleted energy cells.

Okay, here is the gossip (this is all in fun in hopes that a few of the guys read this and get a kick out of me remembering way more than you probably wish I had).  Brad the bartender is a sexy school teacher (think roleplay fantasy, think Van Halen "i'm hot for teacher") but he has crabs and gonnhorhea so he needs to tend to that before I can slut it up and hit on that (he really doesn't... at least not that I know but he is a good sport and I do know he wanted to get me from the airport instead of David and threatened physical harm to get it).  Mike the cop is such the cocky cop attitude fucker who will turn from police pig to sex pig in 0.3 seconds!  oink!  Lance was the queit bartender... to quiet... nobody had gossip on him which means he is probably the most twisted one of all!  Brad the patron is so funny... all night he kept coming by when I was engaged in 'social activity' with the patrons and said to come see him.  He got fed up that I couldn't escape the adoration of the majority and ended up putting his finger up my butt and then getting caught by me and looking like he didn't know how he got there... ROFL!  that was some funny ass stuff and i adore him for it!  There was one gentleman, firgive me for forgetting your name, whose cock is apparently so impressive and so talented that it will actually bite you and can be found on XTube.  Tim, who also picked me up from the airport, accused me of having an accent... and I accused him of having a slur after 14 beers.  That in itself is quite an impressive feat and he is hot so it just made the situation that much mmore fun to tease him.  There was William and Kyle who drove for a couple hours just to see me!!! There were birthday boys, shy boys hiding in corners, up-and-coming pornstars and strippers that I had to educate were well on their way with their sexy moves and erotic,enticing, rhythmic dancing meant for the top of the best gay bars in the world!  I was spanked, fingered, kissed, sucked, teased, tipped, groped and hugged... best of all was the abundant attention given to my nipples and the major hardons that ensued!  You guys are the best!  Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome!

I hope to return and I hope to see the same smiling faces.  I was a bit hurt that the reputable "biter" didn't bite me or leave his mark... and my flexibility is for shit when trying to get down from the bar to greet the patrons, I felt like an old man trying to sit on the pot from the support of his walker.  Otherwise, I have never felt good standing on a bar at any club or bar until now.  I wasn't embarrassed by my sporiasis, I felt wanted and appreciated, I felt the things I have not felt for myself in a while.  So for these prior strangers (now friends) to help fill in the gaps like that, whether conscious of it or not, was really special.

Headed To Milwaukee

Got an appearance to make tomorrow night, which I am excited about... however I was in a car accident last night and my back hurts, my accounts were closed because I deposited what turned out to be a fraudulent check to pay for furniture I was selling, and still reeling from my best friend's sudden and unexpected passing.  Let's nto forget psoriasis is still present and depression has been tough to avoid.  I tell ya, I am going to give my best face but the circumstances coming into this have been the worst of my life in such a short amount of time.  I hope to start reporting more uplifting news soon... I haven't had much to report to you as of late.

Best Friend

A couple days ago I lost my best friend in the world.  He meant more to me than a friend, he was my rock, my love and my hero.  I was blessed to have him in my life.  He arrived in time to help me through the toughest time of my life... and now he has been taken away and inadvertently created a new worst time in my life.  He meant the world to me and I am so empty without him.  You would have loved him.  Heart of gold.  Funny, sweet, smart, sexy, hot body, great butt and dick, he would love that I said that, and the person in my life I could always rely on, no matter what the problem was.  He was suddenly ripped from my life and nobody really understands why.  He is still watching over my shoulder and I am sure sounding as the voice of reason in my ear for the rest of my life until that day when it is my time to pass and he will be there to take my hand and we can walk together, side by side, into the bright white light. Until then, however, it will be painful to endure the thought that I won't ever get to see his charming smile or sultry and sexy voice ever again.  My heart is aching and my world feels ready to crumble.  I dunno... I am lost without him.

I love you Trevor. You will always be remembered and held dearly in my heart.  And we will be reunited again... in time.  Don't ever leave me again.

What a Weekend..

So I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be pretty AND popular.  I know that is a hideous first line but it is leading somewhere.  Trust me.  I have worked as a model for Steamworks and other booths at street fairs before.  I have go-go danced for a decade, lugging around my suitcase of go-go wear through the most densely populated crowds imaginable.  I have had to maintain a cheery disposition when I was feeling awful, and as a trainer I worked in a high-visibility position in one of the biggest social scenes known to gay man... the Castro.  People know me, know of me, or have at least seen me around (whether they like it or not).  I worked for Gold's gym for 3 years and Active Nutririon for 4 (both Castro-based).  I am blessed to have the opportunites I have had that allowed me to get to know some wonderful people!  But here's the thing... with all of the appearances we had to make this past weekend, it was essentially taking every previous job I just mentioned and forced every grueling aspect of them  into one weekend!  Now don't get me wrong, it was so fun and flattering and exciting to be greeted by so many people who appreciate the performances (movie, dancing or otherwise) because I really do commit everything I've got to give the best show I  can.  And when I hear about how people enjoy what I do, it confirms that my efforts are valued and appreciated.  It honestly warms my heart.

Okay, but seriously, after trying to do all of that for 4 straight days it's just hard not to be completely drained of every ounce of positive energy in your body.  Each friend and fan deserves a smile and acknowledgement, so everyone gets a little piece of that energy... but by the end, I am zombified!  Real Bad came rolling around and after crowds, go-go dnacing and costumes and interviews, GAYVN's, 2 movie premiers, a tailgate party and another gogo gig saturday, and a full day at the fair greeeting hundreds and photographing, signing, draining of energy by the sun and heavy crowds and busting my ass to get to every event, I showed up for maybe an hour of Real Bad and had to leave.  Nothing was going to rejuvenate me from all the publicity work I did and my mood was a fair bit sour... so I just needed to go!

Before I started my adult film career, I would have said... I can do that! How lame that he is griping about adoration from fans and constant party appearances.... such a tough life!  Blah blah blah!  Until you walk a mile in another man's shoes... let's just say I learned a lesson on the work that goes into presenting a positive public persona.  It usually comes naturally... I just be myself.  But there is no downtime to re-connect with yourself and breathe.  You have no choice but to push on through!

Was it tough?  Yes.  Was I ready for it?  I thought I was.  Would I do it again?  In a heartbeat!  I am so lucky everyday I get to play this part of a pornstar.  One day, it will  be gone.... and as I said in the very beginning (before my first blog page disappeared), I know i will be sad when it is all over and I will feel a bit empty and sad when gay porn is done with me and I am a washed-up has-been... BUT I will be greatful for the moment in time that was mine and for that I would happily jump at the chance to do it all again.

Now if I was someone reading this, i would think I was retarded and a douche for suggesting the publicity tour was such tough work in comparison to other things in life.  Yes, starvation and homelessness, disease and death are significantly more taxing life challenges.  My point is that no matter what we do, when we really give it our all and do the best job we can, it can be hard to get into the flow of things without a lot of prior experience.  And since my whole mission for this blog is to me the outsider on the inside reporting back wbhat it's like to be a party of the adult film industry, i have to report the good, the bad, embarrassing and retarded.  Speaking of which, the psoriasis is healing finally!  So hopefully back in the studio next month.  woohyoo!  So for now, I wish bon voyage and adieu... to u and u and u.  I hope it was a good folsom for everyone, it was exciting to meet a number of you and put the physical person to the screennames and emails I normally see.  I enjoyed each person's company, i was not disappointed by a single person's sincerity and geniune support.  you r all awesome and keep me motivated to work hard.. even when it feels like i dont have much other reason to push through asnd improve on things.  I love you guys!! no i'm not high.... but it does sound kinda drunky ecstacy- speak... lol!  I have some pics somehere to add as well... sooon

MY DEAR FAIRVIEW SUE !!!

I have a hard time understanding that people give a rats ass about my porn career... besides me and my exhibitionist tendencies.  I had the pleasure of meeting (though only briefly) Fairview Sue (http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com).  She is a quaint, pretty, oddly confident and present in her demeanour and behavior.  She quietly demands your attention when she wants it and I immediately recognized and was even intimidated by her stare and I didn't even know why!!

I was quickly handed a card and a brief introduction /(that, to be honest, I couldn't even hear because of my bas ears and my distraction of trying to find my seat for the GAYVN awards show that was about to start).  I took her card and was on my way (and I did find my seat in time... in case you were wondering).

The next day at the fair I got to cross paths with Sue again, and again, I was distracted by fans and friends and bosses wanting my attention for one thing or another.  With my borderline ADD I could barely keep up.  But something about her just stood out to me and I knew she was someone very powerful... within herself and her spirit.  A strong sense of self and easily identifiable by me because all my life i have not been.

So I goto sues page tonight and suddenly find reviews, images, references that include me and my w2ork, and it was so flattering to read positive reviews and support from a person that has a purely unbiased opinion and has nothing to gain, but simply genuinely feels a certain way and thought me worthy enough to make the effort to write about at all... let alone in a positive light. 

And so to her, I return the favor.  My blogging is not nearly as well constructed or thought out but it is from the heart  Until next time, Fairview Sue!

See Sue's collected Craig Reynolds commentary and photo archives at:
http://fairviewsue.wordpress.com/category/craig-reynolds/

Spot Of Trouble

First off, thank god mercury is out of retrograde! I just learned about this but apparently it happens several times a year and each time the little things become obstacles in you path when normally they would be of little concern.  So here I am at home, no bootcamp, no training, my first ever psoriasis breakout is preventing me from filming until it clears, not seeing clients and unemployment said starting my own business was not grounds for support by edd and overturned my UI.  huh, so this is an interesting moment of my life.  There was only a brief time in my life where i didn't have a backup plan and no finances to rely on... and it was not a pretty time.  This is new and yet similar.  I am not reacting the way I could be by such a dire situation, yet my entire life could be brought down by a single breakout of a genetic skin disease brought on by stress.  Considering I was voted most stressed in my high school class, it is curious that this is my first breakout.

Well, whatever caused the eruption of hideous red spots on me, they need to disappear or it is all over.  I could not have prepared for such a common yet unknown mis-programming of the skin cells would lead me to financial ruin?!?!  Doctors, friends and strangers have all offered their experiences, opinions and remedies that worked for them... but nothing has really taken to my skin.  It's so stupid but so intrusive.  It is embarrassing, people think you are diseased, grossed out by you, afraid to catch it.  Not contagious and the horror you experience is assuredly 10x worse in my head!!  It is enabling my depression to set back in, losing motivation to do anything, don't want to have sex, don't even want to be seen!  it is uncomfortable, hurts, itches, annoys, messes with your self-image.  it took a good 30 years to finally start believing in myself and just when I thought i might be okay with who i am, here comes a test of patience and helplessness I was not ready for.

I don't know what will happen next but my careers are suddenly on hold until this clears. seriously, WTF!!!!

#5

AFTER SCHOOL:

- math

1 + 1 = 2

1*

Mathematics - university/nursery school level.

This is clearly an extremely advanced level mathematical course, focusing on the Peano axioms for the natural numbers which formalised mathematics in the late 19th century. This course would culminate with Gödel's second incompleteness theorem which shows that the consitency of the Peano axioms cannot be formalised within Peano arithmetic itself.

Alternatively, it could be that the pupil, even at her advanced age, hasn't grasped that 1 + 1 = 2, and that all the after school one-to-one lessons in the world aren't going to work. Indeed, she probably won't even understand what 'one-to-one' means.

8/10 - loses two marks for 'math'.

Major Asshole, Scene 3 Release on Hothouse.com

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ROAD TRIP!!!

Craig & Kyle- Round 3

Director and Office manager, Christian Owen, is driving us down to San Jose for thus weekend's pride festival.  Along with Christian and myself, we will be heading south with Kyle King and Sister Roma, the MC of the event.  The four of us make quite a motley crew but we are fun, dammit!  It should be fun with all of us there, hopefully we all survive the car ride down in such close quarters.  After Kyle and I do some autograph signing and picture taking, we are heading to The Watergarden to give the crowd a show!  Woohoo!  Now I get to goto a bath house and show off AND get paid!  That is like heaven!

So anyone who is interested in seeing any of the shenanigans we get ourselves into, make your way to the Watergarden booth at SJ Pride or to The Watergarden itself by 7pm when we start our show.

Russian River With Tony Aziz

RUSSIAN RIVER WITH TONY AZIZ

This is a video clip of Tony Aziz, myself and some good friends up in guerneville just hanging out in our room being silly. Nothing but love here.,.. but we enjoy razzing each other as well. This is all meant in good humor.

LUBE WRESTLING FINALS

LUBE WRESTLING FINALS

This is from Guerneville a few weeks ago. Setup by Paul Miller of Truck, Steve Cruz and Bruno Bond(Hard Friction), and faithful assistants, they pulled together a fun little weekend getaway before Dore Alley. It was lube wrestling porn stars all the way, baby! **Additional commentary provided by Tony Aziz.

In appreciation of people who push the envelope and try to encourage change and evolution, this is a link to a friend's movie site. He has been playimng around with various movie effects and combining music video, porn and fitness video into a new yet appealing way. I like that he dares to be different and challenges conventional ways top shoot porn with a new twist to the structure. You decide whether or not you like it, but you have to admit it is different and erotic (at times a little cheesy but ultimately the idea is evident).

http://mymusclevideo.com/media/5728/current_project_im_working_on/

http://mymusclevideo.com/media/7221/my_vid/

Also, keep in mind, these are not finished pieces. I justy wanted to get the content out there and get feedback and peoples' thoughts.

#4

ENGLISH 101A

- NO EBOniCS
- NO SLAnG
- NO tArDineSS
- NO GUM
- NO tALKinG
- QUiZ EVERY FRiDAY
-

MS PriNCe

English - college level.

Ms Prince is setting her stall out early in this introductory course with a list of unacceptable behaviour in her class. Classroom discipline is extremely important to prevent disruption to other students, and also to encourage an individual work ethic. Few would argue with rules against tardiness, gum and talking. Regular assessment is also important for both teacher and pupil, but there are other ways of doing this than a weekly quiz.

"No slang" is a more controversial statement for an English teacher. Language, especially English, is a living, breathing thing. Where would classics from Ullyses to Trainspotting be without their coined words and vernacular language? Of course formal English is important, but even, some would say especially, an introductory English course should look at the differences between types of English and their appropriate uses.

"No ebonics" is an even more controversial statement for what is presumably an ethnically diverse cohort. Ever since Brown v Board of Education declared separate public schools for black and white children unconstitutional in 1954, educators have been divided over the use of African American Vernacular English. Some see it as socially limiting and to be eliminated, whilst others recognise it as a language in its own right, to be incorporated into the teaching of black children. Poe, Melville and Twain have all used AAVE - handled correctly it could be a very interesting and inclusive project to study its use.

Handwriting could be much improved, especially for an English teacher. There seems to be a bizarre mixture of upper and lower case. Of course, great artists break the rules, and non-standard capitalisation can be used to great effect, but on an introductory course perhaps this is one rule that shouldn't be broken.

6/10 - more detail needed.

#3

2x + 3 = 9

x = /2 [or 12?]

Mathematics - simple algebra.

The handwriting is large and generally clear, even though this class appears to only have one student in it, and he sits at the very front. It might be worth advising the student to have his eyes tested if he is unable to read smaller text at this distance. Remember that poor learning may be as a result of poor vision - the student might not even be aware that he has a problem. If the teacher does keep her handwriting that size she will have to get a bigger whiteboard when she starts doing quadratic equations. Finally, when writing algebraic equations, it is preferable to do a more cursive x for the unknown symbol, to avoid confusion with a multiplication sign.

Unfortunately, the answer is unclearly written - is it 2? 12? 1/2? Whichever of these it is meant to be, it is wrong. Here is the correct calculation:

2x + 3 = 9

Subtract 3 from both sides:
2x = 6

Divide both sides by 2:
x = 3

Given the differences in handwriting in the '2's though, it is possible that the teacher left the answer blank for the student to fill in, and is pointing for him to return to his desk. Either way, it is better to show one's working, so that if an error is made, but followed by correct calculations, the examiner may still give marks for the later parts of the answer, even if incorrect.

5/10 - could do better.

#2

ARCTIC CIRCLE
BALTIC STATES
ST PETERSBURG
MOSCOW
CENTRAL RUSSIA
UKRAINE
EUROPE
TURKISH STATES
BREAKAWAY REPUBLICS
SIBERIA
(illegible)
VLADIVOSTOK
ASIAN STEPPES

PROF. STEFANO
ROOM 32C

OFFICE HRS
M 2PM-4PM
T-W 12-1.30PM
T 9AM-10.30AM
F 5PM-7PM
SAT-SUN OFF

IMPERIAL RUSSIA 3271
1609-1752

MAIN STUDY QUESTION -
AS TIME PASSES, THE RUSSIAN IDEAL OF
GOVERNMENT UNDERWENT A RADICAL SHIFT
DESCRIBE THAT SHIFT & ALL ASPECTS
OF IT

History - A-level standard or higher. Two blackboards shows that a lot of work has gone into this lesson.

Not a bad map by history teacher standards, though St Petersburg is too far south and Vladivostok too far north. But it certainly gives an idea of the key areas - this was a time of great Russian expansion into the Baltic, Ukraine and Siberia, war with the Ottoman Empire, and the moving of the capital to St Petersburg. The lumping together of 'breakaway republics' may show a tendency to generalise.

The title Imperial Russia 1609-1752 is something of a misnomer. The Russian Empire wasn't founded until 1721 - before that date it was the Tsardom of Russia. In fact, the date range chosen for module 3271 does seem somewhat arbitrary.

The main study question is rather awkwardly posed, using a mixture of tenses, but is open enough to stretch the more able students.

Handwriting is rather sloppy - all caps, sometimes at a rather wild angle, and with one map label illegible. The student pictured has been lucky to find Professor Stefano in, as his office hours are somewhat idiosyncratic. But this could be a result of education cutbacks, or flexitime due to his personal circumstances, so will not affect the overall score. (In fact, his work-life balance may be under threat as he feels the need to specify that he does not work at weekends.)

Overall: a very good effort - 7/10.

#1

Compound Angle Formulae

sin (A + B)
= sin A cos B + cos A sin B

cos (A + B)
= cos A cos B - sin A sin B

tan (A + B)
= tan A + tan B
1 - Tan A Tan B

A-level standard trigonometry. Maths all correct. Good pluralisation of 'formulae'. Neat handwriting. Loses a mark for 'Tan' instead of 'tan'. But otherwise: excellent work!
9/10